


where will i go when i'm feeling blue

by v1ewmonster



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Aromantic, Boundaries, Fluff, Gen, Headcanon, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, Nonbinary Character, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queerplatonic Relationships, Smoking, Swearing, Touch Aversion, Trans Kurapika
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27942500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/v1ewmonster/pseuds/v1ewmonster
Summary: The balcony is a place where they can unwind, a place where nobody can judge him (other than himself). On good days, he comes up here to sing his heart out. Today is different.Kurapika and Leorio discuss boundaries, commitment, and vulnerability.
Relationships: Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	where will i go when i'm feeling blue

**Author's Note:**

> title is derived by the song [doubtful by gregory and the hawk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIfQ6mDx2EI)

The night sky envelopes Yorknew City like a blanket. Cars rush past each other in the blink of an eye, trying to return to the way they came. Kurapika clutches the covers that tangle around his legs. He’s wide awake, dark circles under his eyes. How long has it been since he properly slept? He had been trying to improve his sleep schedule since settling with Leorio, except he hasn’t gotten anywhere since then. The thoughts that accompany this change in schedule prevent him from sleeping anytime soon. 

Kurapika sits up, gazes at Leorio inches away from him. A snore emits from his general direction, placed comfortably on the mattress. It’s hard for Kurapika to not feel amused. They slip out of bed when he’s had his fill, fumbles around for their suit jacket on the rack, and walks to the door. A pack of cigarettes rests in his pocket, perfect for the long night ahead of him. 

The apartment is empty. None of his neighbors are outside like usual, in which Kurapika surmises this to be a good thing. They want to be alone where nobody can see them or ask them what’s wrong. And when Leorio eventually asks… he’s not sure if they’ll be ready to spill the beans.

There’s a fundamental flaw here. It’s a flaw Leorio has yet to notice. And no matter how many times Kurapika has tried to conceal it, he always manages to wear said flaw on his sleeve. He can’t give Leorio what he  _ wants,  _ what is expected in a relationship. 

Kurapika turns a corner. They’ve been like this for as long as they can remember. He always found it hard to trust anyone, but they never considered it to be a hindrance. This, though? It was never a hindrance until they settled down with Leorio. Even  _ thinking  _ about the sensation sets Kurapika on edge.  _ Any  _ form of contact makes him feel like a myriad of buzzing bees are hovering over his body, the pain building up until he can’t feel anything anymore. He can’t recall when he  _ didn’t  _ feel this way. It’s as natural as breathing could ever be. 

The frigid air seeps into their skin. They regret not bringing a coat. His suit jacket can only provide so much warmth. The weather is in that midway point between autumn and winter, leaning more towards the winter air. He can handle harsh elements, yet they want to return to the warmth of their apartment. They can’t go back now. His insecurities have already caught up with him, made them its victim. 

The balcony is a place where they can unwind, a place where nobody can judge him (other than himself). On good days, he comes up here to sing his heart out. Today is different. 

They take out the pack of cigarettes. The brand name has been scratched out, but the cigarettes are good as new. He grabs their lighter and ignites the cigarette tight between their lips. His thoughts go wild during this time. 

When Kurapika confessed his feelings… his deep, complicated and nontraditional feelings towards Leorio, he didn’t expect acceptance. Hell, they didn’t expect  _ anything.  _ There he was, waiting for something that would never come. A sign of some sort. Leorio provided him the reassurance that he needed, yet he can’t help but wonder: is that enough for him? 

Inhale, exhale. This relationship… It feels like a one way street. Leorio can supply his needs while Kurapika is too much of a coward to return the favor. His breathing becomes volatile when the concept of him as a  _ coward  _ makes an entrance inside their mind. They cough into their arm. That’s what he is, isn’t he? A coward? 

Okay,  _ focus.  _ On what, exactly? Anything besides the thoughts that disturb Kurapika like a spider that crawls on his arm. Name five things. He takes note of his surroundings. The cigarette dancing between their fingers, their suit jacket fluttering in the wind (it  _ is  _ awfully cold out), snow that gently falls from the sky, Leorio — _ fuck!  _ They mentally slap themself on the forehead. 

Kurapika rubs his hands over their puffy eyes. Even their natural method to relieve anxiety doesn’t work when the thought of Leorio pops up! Nothing is  _ helping…  _ must be a problem that needs to be solved. The  _ last  _ thing he wants to do is solve his problems. He’s recovering from his lifetime trauma (with further persuasion from his friends), and honestly? That’s the only problem they need. He already has a lot on his plate right now. 

An arm wraps around Kurapika’s shoulder, but that’s the least of their worries. He takes another drag from his cigarette. Anxiety wells up inside his chest. These feelings… they’re starting to become  _ unbearable,  _ and who knows how long it will be until they consume him completely? 

His hand squeezes the arm that has swaddled them, and shivers when they realize that it’s Leorio, of all people, comforting him by his side. 

“You forgot your coat,” Leorio murmurs, handing it to them. Kurapika tucks it under his arms as they gaze at the view before them. 

“Leorio…” He says, then swallows down the anxiety that holds him hostage. 

Leorio pats a spot on Kurapika’s back. “Do I really gotta do everythin’ myself around here?” He starts to chuckle until he notices Kurapika’s panic-stricken face. “What’s wrong?” 

Kurapika knows that at this point, he can’t pull the wool over Leorio’s eyes, except he does it anyway and without hesitation. “Nothing… nothing is wrong.” 

“Your eyes are scarlet,” He pokes his cheek, “so clearly something’s up.” 

They break away from his embrace. “Exceptional deduction skills, Mr. Leorio.” 

“It’s  _ Doctor  _ Leorio to you,” He jokes. 

Already, Leorio is breaking away at Kurapika’s defenses. They should have known better than to underestimate him. For two years, they’ve been going at it and Leorio has always managed to help him open up. He  _ can’t  _ deceive him anymore. 

“You would be right,” Kurapika says flatly. “I’ve been thinking about it all day since I told my therapist.” 

“You told your therapist and not me?” 

“I was too afraid to tell you,” They continue, then twirl the cigarette in his hand. “That’s why I’m here.” 

Leorio scratches his chin. “I assume it concerns me, then.” 

“Right again. You seem to be on a roll today.” 

“That’s because you wear your heart on your sleeve.” 

“You act like you aren’t the same way.” 

His thoughts are interrupted by an arm hovering over their body. Kurapika slaps Leorio’s hand away, his former anxiety taking hold again. 

Leorio pulls his hand away in astonishment. “I—”

“Are you sure you want me to tell you now?” Kurapika asks. “Do you wish to pull out while you still can?” 

“What is this about?” 

Kurapika doesn’t respond. His head lucidly falls on Leorio’s side. “I’ve been thinking…” He holds his cigarette in the air. 

“Do you need a moment?” 

“No, no,” Kurapika clears his throat. “I’ve been thinking… about this whole partnership thing. And while I’m grateful that you feel the same way that I feel about you, I surmise that these feelings may not last long, because there is something crucial that I lack.” 

Leorio tilts his head. “And that is?” 

This is it, the moment of truth. He takes a deep breath, something that needed to be done since the start. “I’m not one for physical affection… I’m sure you know.” 

At Leorio’s silence, they go on: “However… physical affection is the most significant part of a relationship, no? It shows that you care about the other person, that you’re willing to go hell and back for their love. This goes for any kind of relationship; platonic, romantic, familial… it is something I  _ truly  _ lack, deep down. What does that say about me?” He doesn’t expect a response. And when he doesn’t get one, he says the one thing they’ve both been thinking in the back of their minds. “It means that I am not able to fulfill your needs. I am inadequate compared to the several fish that roam in the sea.” He smiles. “That is all.” 

Leorio is, for lack of a better word,  _ speechless.  _ His lips quiver when he hears Kurapika’s words hang in the cold air. Who does he think he is, to say that they, the person he’s chased after for so long, whom he’s called a million times in search of an answer,  _ the light of his life,  _ are inadequate just because of a single quality? It makes Leorio’s blood boil to the deepest depths. He stops. He knows better than to lash out at Kurapika. He isn’t a child anymore. 

“Maybe you should stop to consider your narrow-minded view on how relationships work,” Leorio says. 

“Wh-”

“Commitment,” Leorio continues. “You forgot about  _ commitment.  _ And communication. Hell, even verbal affection goes in that category. All I’m tryna say is that relationships aren’t always about cuddling and kissing. It may be to some, but not for others. The same applies to us,” He adjusts his glasses and stares Kurapika in the eye. Sweat trickles down Kurapika’s forehead, steady breaths that soon turn variable, chest heaving in and out. “I’m  _ always  _ willing to respect your boundaries, Kurapika. You just gotta let me know. It’s hard to tell someone something like this in fear of their reaction, but you need to bite the bullet so that you don’t feel obligated to force yourself outta your comfort zone.” 

Kurapika’s mouth hangs ajar, as they can hardly process what just happened. Has it happened? The reaction he’s been waiting for has finally presented itself? He doesn’t have to hide anymore? For the first time in so long, Kurapika is relieved. 

"I'm sorry for not telling you sooner," They say, “but it keeps me at ease that you respect my boundaries.” 

“Of course, dude!” Leorio says. “I wouldn’t wanna force you to do somethin’ you don’t wanna do.” 

Kurapika soundlessly acknowledges the statement. He regrets not taking his word for it. Trust is another component in a relationship that they lack. They shouldn’t have expected it to come easy, after years of closing off his heart to others. 

“Hey,” Kurapika’s thoughts are interrupted abruptly by Leorio’s assertion, followed by a hand meshed with his. “I love you, okay? I wouldn’t try and hurt you on purpose.” He lowers his hand when he takes notice of Kurapika’s blank face. “Oh, sorry, do you not like hand holding either?” 

Kurapika shakes their head and squeezes Leorio’s hand. “It’s tame and more temporary than most sensations, so no. Hugging is alright too, as long as I don’t feel suffocated throughout.” 

“Alright then,” Leorio says. He slips Kurapika’s coat over his shoulders. “Now put your coat on, it’s cold out. I can’t risk you getting sick.” 

Kurapika rolls their eyes. “You don’t have to tell me twice.” He adjusts so that it doesn’t slide off his body. 

Leorio rubs the back of his head sheepishly. “I… I know, but you know how I am about you. You may not be the reckless, self destructive person you once were, but I’m used to worryin’ about ya by now. You’re important to me, yanno?” 

A sharp wind surges through the air. It musses up Kurapika’s hair as he prepares to speak. They shouldn’t be so surprised when Leorio tells him that he’s near and dear to his heart. They’ve known since the beginning, since they exchanged numbers. 

“Anyway,” Leorio says, “you got anythin’ more to say, or should we go back to sleep?” 

Kurapika looks up at the sky. The sun rises from beneath the clouds, which can only mean one thing. “I’m sure I won’t be able to fall asleep anytime soon, and I don’t believe I have anything more to say, so…” He shakes the pack of cigarettes in their hand. 

“Don’t mind if I do,” Leorio accepts the invitation gladly. With the cigarette between his lips, he adds, “Yanno, you really need to cut off on those.” 

Kurapika raises an eyebrow. “And  _ you  _ don’t? You’re a doctor.”

“Alright, alright, I get it!!” 

They laugh, a hand hovered over their mouth. Right then and there, a whole new pile of anxieties are ready to topple over him. Things have been going great so far for him and Leorio, and it makes them liable to mess up. Kurapika holds his breath until Leorio snaps him out of his reverie. 

As if he read their mind, Leorio says, “You don’t gotta worry. Learn to live in the present and you’ll be fine!” 

“Live in the present?” Kurapika repeats.

“Yeah!” Leorio says. “Bet your therapist didn’t tell ya that, did she?” Cigarette smoke wafts from his lips. 

They smile. “Yeah, she didn’t…” 

“But… can I really do that?” 

“Of course ya can!” Leorio says. “I know you can! You’ve made it this far…” 

Kurapika purses his lips. “You think so?”

“Uh-huh.” He leans closer to Kurapika. 

From the horizon, the sun rises. 

A new day awaits and gives them a second chance. 

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave a kudos/comment if u read/like this, i'd rlly appreciate it!!


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